I liked the story and the characters, the thing that dropped this down for me was the dialogue. Just overly flowery and too formal in the way they discussed their emotions.
Pet Peeve #1: Talking like you're in a romance novel in my romance novel! "I've never hungered for anyone before." "I am throbbing inside for you."
Pet Peeve #2: Self-deprecating 'tough-guy' constantly apologizing for stuff that's not even a big deal and in general, being a big fat weirdo. "question myself ... why I'm defective this way." "I didn't have a friend."
Pet Peeve #3: Double sex-scene. We just had one, it was hot, but it was also thorough. A repeat just gets boring. Save it for a few chapters from now, poor Christians ass could not
take this kind of abuse.
Pet Peeve #4: Icky synonym's for 'asshole'. In order of frequency - rectum
, (flaming) channel, (quivering) sphincter, anus.
Pet Peeve #5: You ask your neighbors cop nephew for a favor
and all of a sudden everyone's getting snippy asking "so what are you gonna do about this?!!?" Umm, nothing jackass, I was just looking into it as a favor. Jonah did it too but Rodrigo's actions/dialogue was totally out of lineBorrowed from Vicki for 2013 September Free-For-All in Bookie Nookie's Erotic Lending Group